Silence of the Office

We all love our jobs, but there are just some everyday situations we encounter and respond to- mostly as a knee-jerk reaction. I had this crazy thought last evening and spent the rest of the night imagining what people would say to these situations in an undying spirit of satire.

These situations are a fictional result of my whimsical hyperboles, subjudiced by cranial autocracy. Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.

1. “You’re valued, resourceful and important.”

Yeah. You’re marginally better than food coupons.

2. “Your work is great.”

I think my dog Pooper could do better. Pooper? Nice name.

3. “Can you help me with something?” “Sure, anything!”

(Asks a favour of him) *Runs into a “meeting”*

4. “Are you busy?”

I just saw you drink coffee, take a leak and then pick up the phone to check WhatsApp. Sure you can spare me the next 500 hours.

5. “You know what?”

(This is the most rhetorical ever. EVER.) I’ll tell you anyway.

6. “The client just called. We have a deadline”

Suck it up. No boo-hoos. Let’s do this.. (And after a motivational and inspiring speech) My friend has this German friend who has a feline emergency. I seriously got to leave. Oh I know you guys would do a fantastic job!

7. “Here’s your payslip”

Sigh. Another sunk cost.

8. (Lady employees only) Lady: “Hey, Boss. I’m getting married”

Boss: “Wow congratulations!”

Uh Oh. Should I expect a resignation letter any time now?

9. “Hey! Nice shoes”

*Grins* Wish I could say something else nice about you. *rubs palms together in an evil glee*

And for the people’s favourite- Drum roll, please!

10. (After an intensive project filled with body-clock-altering-all-nighters) “Can I take a couple of days to cool off?” “Sure”

Work from home…



72 thoughts on “Silence of the Office

  1. My boss actually said that (#8) on my wedding day. He said he has given a big “separation” pay because he knows I’m leaving after. Eleven years later…

    1. Haha. A fitting reply would be “Sure. If only the opportunity cost of my time invested here was directly proportional to my payslip” 😛

      1. Hahahahah
        Yea it is
        Actually I love to help ppl ….they don’t need to change their tone ….psychophqncy is indian blood …May be our past British masters loves it…..?

      2. They exploited our simplicity ….
        Then we praised them like

        “Bharat bhagya vidhata….”

        How simpleton we were…. tons of simplicity ie; bloody fools

      3. No, but they did give us amazing infrastructure, didn’t they? To date, our Corporations function on a foolproof system designed by them by which no document can go missing.

      4. I have traveled across the length and breadth of India and I have not seen one person who is a beggar, who is a thief. Such wealth I have seen in this country, such high moral values, people of such calibre, that I do not think we would ever conquer this country, unless we break the very backbone of this nation, which is her spiritual and cultural heritage, and, therefore, I propose that we replace her old and ancient education system, her culture, for if the Indians think that all that is foreign and English is good and greater than their own, they will lose their self-esteem, their native self-culture and they will become what we want them, a truly dominated nation.

        Lord Macaulay

        1835 British Parliament

      5. I know, I’ve read this. It’s grossly unjust- what they did to us as a nation. However, I’m saying that I think it is time for us to consider redemption.

      6. Very private people have mastered the art of telling you little about themselves but doing it in such a way you think you know a lot.

      1. I’ve liked you/your posts from the first post of yours I read. ☺ It’s incredible! It is my pleasure to meet you. 😆

      2. *genuinely teary eyes* You just made my day. I read through your posts too and love the way you pull a string of something so beautifully unexpected- especially loved your piece on poetry! Absolute gold 🙂

      3. Aw, thank you so much! A compliment from such a great writer as you is the best I’ve got this Friday. 😀
        And you have truly awesome posts 🙂

      4. Noooooooooo! I have too long to go 😦 But I’ll cherish the wonderfully generous compliment you’ve heaped on me 🙂 Loads of love and bear hugs to you! 🙂

      1. Hahaha very basic stuff. I learnt it for HSK level 1. 😂 Didn’t take the test though. Haha. I also learnt Spanish A-1. Now that I have the time, I should intensify my language studies 😀

      2. I have no idea what HSK is although I think it is pretty cool that you have basic knowledge of these two languages. I started self-learning Spanish once but then left it at that. Would like to restart some day. 😀

      3. HSK is the Chinese yardstick for language proficiency. It starts from 1 and goes up to 5 if my memory serves me correctly. Oooh ooh please do, then it’ll be awesome if we conversed in Spanish or I don’t know, I’m ambitiously thinking of Greek now 😂

      4. *eyes up in the sockets*
        How about conversing in some Indian languages? You know, Swadeshi and all that. Ha ha ha. But frankly, I would love to be able to converse in Spanish.

      5. Hahaha. The spirit of Swadeshi. Actually, the topic of Indian languages is extremely touchy to me because everyday there are so many languages dying because of the overpowering nature of what is widely misconstrued as a “national language” (I bring up the Constitution anytime anybody manages to pull that on me) I’m game for learning languages like Bhojpuri or Marwari, or even Kannada and Malayalam (which I can understand to an extent). The language scene in India is honestly disturbing. And with more ‘Mann ki baat’ episodes, there is an unsettling certainty that this air is not going to be lifted anytime soon.

      6. We need to conserve our languages, that much is paramount. It would be a huge loss if scores of indigenous tongues got lost due to our affection for one or two “national” languages.
        And here you’re confounding me further by saying you also understand Malayalam to an extent. Well, what more can I say? I would love to learn new languages, Indian or foreign. It feels satisfying to be able to converse with people in different languages, sometimes even their mother tongue.

      7. True, absolutely. Couldn’t agree more. Haha, I have a lot of malayali friends and the malayalam music industry is kickass. Some of my favourite Indian brands have their roots etched deeply in malayalam- Agam, Masala Coffee, Thaikkudam bridge, etc. Adipoli! 😀

  2. Adding to your list.
    How was the client call this morning?
    ehhhh..he sweared cats and dogs at us!

    Me: Ouch, I thought he would continue yesterday’s appreciation for all the wonderful work we’ve been upto?

    No. We goofed up last night…

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