We all love our jobs, but there are just some everyday situations we encounter and respond to- mostly as a knee-jerk reaction. I had this crazy thought last evening and spent the rest of the night imagining what people would say to these situations in an undying spirit of satire.
These situations are a fictional result of my whimsical hyperboles, subjudiced by cranial autocracy. Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.
1. “You’re valued, resourceful and important.”
Yeah. You’re marginally better than food coupons.
2. “Your work is great.”
I think my dog Pooper could do better. Pooper? Nice name.
3. “Can you help me with something?” “Sure, anything!”
(Asks a favour of him) *Runs into a “meeting”*
4. “Are you busy?”
I just saw you drink coffee, take a leak and then pick up the phone to check WhatsApp. Sure you can spare me the next 500 hours.
5. “You know what?”
(This is the most rhetorical ever. EVER.) I’ll tell you anyway.
6. “The client just called. We have a deadline”
Suck it up. No boo-hoos. Let’s do this.. (And after a motivational and inspiring speech) My friend has this German friend who has a feline emergency. I seriously got to leave. Oh I know you guys would do a fantastic job!
7. “Here’s your payslip”
Sigh. Another sunk cost.
8. (Lady employees only) Lady: “Hey, Boss. I’m getting married”
Boss: “Wow congratulations!”
Uh Oh. Should I expect a resignation letter any time now?
9. “Hey! Nice shoes”
*Grins* Wish I could say something else nice about you. *rubs palms together in an evil glee*
And for the people’s favourite- Drum roll, please!
10. (After an intensive project filled with body-clock-altering-all-nighters) “Can I take a couple of days to cool off?” “Sure”
Work from home…
PotatoPen 
Nice… I like these!
Yaay. Pleasure is mine because.. Simon says! 😀
I do say… Simon says make noise the office!
Haha. So I was spot on 😀
Of course!
😀
“I am sick, can I take the afternoon off?”
“Sure.”
Old tactic, doesn’t work anymore.
Haha. But the sheer creativity by which we hold our tactics to the ground sure is something 😀
Lol yes that too! 🙂
Haha. Nice to have you around here, Saira!
You too! I can’t hold the sheer amount of joy i have when i meet bloggers that are as good as you! 😀
Gee, that’s damn nice of you 🙂 And might I add that the feeling is mutual? 🙂 loads of love!
Thanks !! 😀
😀
My boss actually said that (#8) on my wedding day. He said he has given a big “separation” pay because he knows I’m leaving after. Eleven years later…
Hahahhahaha. This is awesome 😀
My last boss’s favourite was, “Don’t look at it as extra workload; think of it as an opportunity for continued employment”
Haha. A fitting reply would be “Sure. If only the opportunity cost of my time invested here was directly proportional to my payslip” 😛
See that tone change when they want something from you
Hahaha 😀 Comes from a lot of experience I see, Imran 😛
Hahahahahaha.
I enjoy it ….when ppl think they can fool you anytime …
Haha I can play the scene in my head and damn it’s hilarious.
Hahahahah
Yea it is
Actually I love to help ppl ….they don’t need to change their tone ….psychophqncy is indian blood …May be our past British masters loves it…..?
The British? Nah. They’re way too righteous for this, don’t you think?
Yes
If slavery in your blood …then you deserves the master like them .
Hmmm. But what they were doesn’t define what they are now. Just like all of us 🙂
They exploited our simplicity ….
Then we praised them like
“Bharat bhagya vidhata….”
How simpleton we were…. tons of simplicity ie; bloody fools
No, but they did give us amazing infrastructure, didn’t they? To date, our Corporations function on a foolproof system designed by them by which no document can go missing.
I have traveled across the length and breadth of India and I have not seen one person who is a beggar, who is a thief. Such wealth I have seen in this country, such high moral values, people of such calibre, that I do not think we would ever conquer this country, unless we break the very backbone of this nation, which is her spiritual and cultural heritage, and, therefore, I propose that we replace her old and ancient education system, her culture, for if the Indians think that all that is foreign and English is good and greater than their own, they will lose their self-esteem, their native self-culture and they will become what we want them, a truly dominated nation.
Lord Macaulay
1835 British Parliament
I know, I’ve read this. It’s grossly unjust- what they did to us as a nation. However, I’m saying that I think it is time for us to consider redemption.
Very private people have mastered the art of telling you little about themselves but doing it in such a way you think you know a lot.
You’re a mind boggling philosopher. 😀 I know you know that I know 😀
Bahot Bahot shuqria !
Izzat afzai aur Haunsla afzai ke liye !
😀 😀 _/\_
Lightning only strikes twice on he who does not learn from his first experience with fire.
Sounds like a reenactment from “Blitzkrieg” 😀
Hahahahahaha
😀
Haha! Aren’t we such kindred spirits? You can even check our previous interactions. Lol! But here’s my post today and I promise, I didn’t see your post before I wrote mine. https://ithinkisayido.wordpress.com/2016/05/27/a-miser/
Whoaaha. The resemblance is uncanny. Anne! I’m still grinning ear to ear. 😀 So glad to meet you 😀
I’ve liked you/your posts from the first post of yours I read. ☺ It’s incredible! It is my pleasure to meet you. 😆
*genuinely teary eyes* You just made my day. I read through your posts too and love the way you pull a string of something so beautifully unexpected- especially loved your piece on poetry! Absolute gold 🙂
Aw, thank you so much! A compliment from such a great writer as you is the best I’ve got this Friday. 😀
And you have truly awesome posts 🙂
Noooooooooo! I have too long to go 😦 But I’ll cherish the wonderfully generous compliment you’ve heaped on me 🙂 Loads of love and bear hugs to you! 🙂
Ditto 😊 🤗 You are too humble 😀
Not at all 🙂 But you’re a doll! 🙂 haha that rhymed 😀
See what I mean? Haha! 🙂
Hahaha. Isolated incident 😛
😆😂
Ha ha. Picked all the points nicely. You were gone for quite a few days. Anything special?
Thank you 😀 Nah, just the grind. All well, and lol nothing special 😂
Hope you can beat the grind and be here with these wonderful posts more often. Have a happy weekend!
Haha hopefully so. You too, 我 彭 友(My friend) 😀
What? You can write in Mandarin too???
Hahaha very basic stuff. I learnt it for HSK level 1. 😂 Didn’t take the test though. Haha. I also learnt Spanish A-1. Now that I have the time, I should intensify my language studies 😀
I have no idea what HSK is although I think it is pretty cool that you have basic knowledge of these two languages. I started self-learning Spanish once but then left it at that. Would like to restart some day. 😀
HSK is the Chinese yardstick for language proficiency. It starts from 1 and goes up to 5 if my memory serves me correctly. Oooh ooh please do, then it’ll be awesome if we conversed in Spanish or I don’t know, I’m ambitiously thinking of Greek now 😂
*eyes up in the sockets*
How about conversing in some Indian languages? You know, Swadeshi and all that. Ha ha ha. But frankly, I would love to be able to converse in Spanish.
Hahaha. The spirit of Swadeshi. Actually, the topic of Indian languages is extremely touchy to me because everyday there are so many languages dying because of the overpowering nature of what is widely misconstrued as a “national language” (I bring up the Constitution anytime anybody manages to pull that on me) I’m game for learning languages like Bhojpuri or Marwari, or even Kannada and Malayalam (which I can understand to an extent). The language scene in India is honestly disturbing. And with more ‘Mann ki baat’ episodes, there is an unsettling certainty that this air is not going to be lifted anytime soon.
We need to conserve our languages, that much is paramount. It would be a huge loss if scores of indigenous tongues got lost due to our affection for one or two “national” languages.
And here you’re confounding me further by saying you also understand Malayalam to an extent. Well, what more can I say? I would love to learn new languages, Indian or foreign. It feels satisfying to be able to converse with people in different languages, sometimes even their mother tongue.
True, absolutely. Couldn’t agree more. Haha, I have a lot of malayali friends and the malayalam music industry is kickass. Some of my favourite Indian brands have their roots etched deeply in malayalam- Agam, Masala Coffee, Thaikkudam bridge, etc. Adipoli! 😀
I haven’t heard the names of even one of them. Poor me!
Happy learning and blogging.
Haha. You should. Really 😀
So true!
Thanks, Frederick! 🙂
Samma 😀 😀 😀
Hahaha thanks da 😀
Hahahahahaha – Why do I see this happening everyday!
Haha, yeah! 🙂
Adding to your list.
How was the client call this morning?
ehhhh..he sweared cats and dogs at us!
Me: Ouch, I thought he would continue yesterday’s appreciation for all the wonderful work we’ve been upto?
No. We goofed up last night…
Hahaha. Muy perfecto!
Haahaaaa..